For those who don’t obsessively follow the developments of Nintendo, what’s wrong with you? They’re one of the biggest companies in the industry, and their games are golden. Do you hate fun? But also, Super Smash Bros. for the Switch was confirmed in the most recent Nintendo Direct. While conventional wisdom would say that it’s perhaps too soon for an entirely new Smash Bros. game, the big N has been suspiciously quiet on whether or not this is just a port. Whether just a port or a new game altogether, though, Nintendo has made it clear that new roster additions are something we can look forward to. With that in mind, Nick Ballantyne and I have put our heads together to come up with a “Wishlist” of characters. Enjoy, or whatever.
Chosen by: Paddy Waring
First Appearance: Mario Tennis (2000)
Final Smash: Nab’n’Stab
Come on, Nintendo. Cooooome ooooonnn! Waluigi is one of your best creations, but the poor guy has never even received his own feature title, let alone taken his rightful place on the coveted Smash roster. He’s a native Nintendonian with a cult following (no, seriously, I think his biggest fans are in an actual cult), which is bizarre, considering his limited screen-time compared to other characters. This is because Waluigi is, as we in the biz like to call him, fucking terrifying. LOOK at him. He could easily be mistaken for an artist’s rendition of a crack fiend. I doubt he gets invited to stuff like Mariokart or Mario Tennis, he just shows up, and everyone is too afraid to ask him to leave.
Can you imagine what this guy’s final smash might be? You know the stage in Smash Wii U that was based on the “Gamer” mini-game from the Wario Ware series? The one that has players hiding periodically from the titular Gamer’s mum as she walks past the window, gazing eerily into the room? Waluigi’s Final Smash will be just like that but infinitely more horrific. The ball smashed, Waluigi engulfed in the flames of power, he would disappear from the screen only to return outside the window and ten times larger. There is no laser-like gaze, however; instead, he leers through the window, and by extension the screen itself, until he determines his target. Then, with frightening speed, he opens the window, clambers inside, and absconds with the unfortunate fighter. All the while, he never breaks eye contact with the player whose character has been taken until he leaves the screen entirely. Neither Waluigi or his target are seen for the rest of the match, and both are ominously absent from the post-fight screen. WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Chosen by: Nick Ballantyne
First Appearance: Nier Automata (2017)
Final Smash: Ending Y-fu
We can’t have R.O.B. being the only machine on the Smash roster, now can we? Designed as a fighter from the ground up, 2B’s lethality is only rivalled by her ability to sprint in heels. It seems only fitting that such a worthy contender would eventually start fighting the likes of Donkey Kong or Pikachu. She’s arguably the most iconic character from Nier: Automata and people have fallen in love with her. Is it because she’s an android girl who wears a skirt shorter than the attention span of a hentai addict? Oh, undoubtedly. But it’s also because 2B could just as easily destroy your emotions as she could a well-populated city.
Part of 2B’s charm is how much heat she’s packing at any given time. Standard attacks could range from her signature katana to iron pipes, Emil heads, or axes the size of Bowser. Fluency with oversized weaponry is one thing, but her companion pod can rapid-fire a torrent of death with surgical precision. It’s a versatile floating box, switching between bullet streams and death beams, and that screams special attacks to me. With that kind of arsenal behind her, who wouldn’t want to beat down on some dumb cartoon characters? But 2B isn’t alone in her crusade of destruction.
As part of the YoRHa unit, it only stands to reason that 2B’s buddies would show up as a final smash. Picture it: A valkyrie-esque entrance as too-attractive-for-their-own-good androids fly down onto the battlefield, raining thunder and bullet hell down upon anything posing a threat to our short-skirted avatar. As all this plays out, the concerning grin of Emil fades into view, taking up most of the background with that face of his. That… That face of… Terror. Mario, Yoshi, every childhood emblem washed away in a hailstorm of gunfire and philosophical questions. Underneath it all, Yako Taro’s laugh, faceless and ominous… Sounds great to me!
Chosen by: Paddy Waring
First Appearance: Assassin’s Creed (2007)
Final Smash: Narratively Selective Time Stop
No single assassin, in particular, but an assassin from the brotherhood. Maybe switching skins changes which character appears on-screen – that’s a thing, right? There’s barely any difference between them, but people are still buying these games, so someone will care about who they’re playing as, I’m sure. Altair and Ezio, definitely, and probably Black Flag Pirate Guy, he was somewhat popular. Maybe the guy from Unity for some contrived controversy? The sky’s the limit here, folks.
There are enough shared abilities that it could work too, and the extreme overlap in “personality” would mean that switching up the person wearing the hood shouldn’t make a difference. Throw a couple of pistols in there, maybe one or two of the historical weapons, and a pile of hay for their up-B move. Not to mention, it would continue the tradition of having unexpected 3rd party additions to the roster, especially since the series has only released five of its fifty or so titles on Nintendo platforms.
However, the real appeal of the Assassin, Creed, will be their final smash. True to their series of origin, this killer of men will launch themselves across the screen, plunging a hidden dagger deep into the chest of a single target. The background goes grey, and the Assassin, Creed, begins a long monologue about everything that has lead up to this moment. The beloved Nintendo character of their choosing, dying in their arms, will croak out questions between blood-laden coughs, such as, “What’s happening to me?” and “Is THIS what real pain is? Is this what it is to truly die?” The sound slowly begins to die off, and everything fades to white… Then respawn. Back to 0%. That character is shaken for the rest of the match as they ponder with dread what it was they just experienced. Requiescat in Pace, bitch.
Chosen by: Nick Ballantyne
First Appearance: Tekken (1994)
Final Smash: The Epitome of Hair Envy
LOOK. AT. THAT. HAIR. This man, right here, is someone who prides himself on a sense of style. Every piece of him, from sandals to ‘stache, is like a vision of the heavens perfectly focused on one individual. If there was any being to take on Captain Falcon’s tight, rippled abs, it’s Heihachi, a man so dedicated to being a bad-ass that his hair is literally incapable of sitting below a 60-degree angle. And have you seen those pecs!? That’s a 75-year-old man that could put Terry Crews to shame, and The Big T’s pecs are not to be trifled with. Heihachi’s legacy precedes him, and if Ryu can get into Smash, so can our lightning powered karate master.
It’s not a huge stretch to bring Heihachi into another fighting game. He’s already been in Street Fighter X Tekken, SoulCalibur, PlayStation All-Stars, Pac-Man Fever, Anna Kournikova’s Smash Court Tennis, and the list goes on. He’s a versatile man with a versatile move-set, capable of hurling Jigglypuff off the edge off a cliff as though it were his own son. Add to this his ability to channel lightning through his being, and you’re looking at the Smash champion we all know we want. So, one question remains: What the hell is his final smash?
Heihachi’s not a demon, he’s not even a friendly guy, he’s just a hardworking asshole who wants to rule the world. Where many would default onto bringing in tanks or racecars (like our clearly inferior rival, Monsieur Falconius), our pointy-haired señor takes a personal approach. So, what’s Heihachi’s final smash? It’s him. He smashes the pickup, starts glowing a bit, but other than that, he’s just good ol’ Heihachi. I wouldn’t even blink twice if he didn’t get a buff for getting the final smash, he just kept it away from people trying to be as legendary as himself. That’s the kind of guy he is.
Chosen by: Paddy Waring
First Appearance: Donkey Kong (1981)
Final Smash: Millenials Are Killing Videogames
This isn’t as crazy a suggestion as it sounds, especially when you consider that he was a playable character in the last major Donkey Kong game. Also, the little did-you-know about him being the progenitor of the whole damn franchise. Let’s consider his physical prowess, starting with his age. By the time of his initial appearance as the original Donkey Kong in 1981, he was already a fully grown adult gorilla, which puts his age then at somewhere close to 15. It’s been 37 years since then, putting him in competition with some of the oldest living gorillas in the real world. Every time he lands, his bones should be crumbling like bread, but he carries on anyway. By all reason he should be dead. Instead, he’s still Scrooge McDucking his way around the place, bumping off tribal invaders with his pogo-cane.
His prodigious age aside, Cranky Kong is best known for being a ceaseless haranguer of Donkey Kong and his friends. Forever the voice of extreme disapproval, no one in existence lives up to Cranky’s impossibly high standards, and he isn’t afraid to let them know about it. Far from having a single taunt, there would be multiple lines of dialogue recorded for each character in the roster, so Cranky can verbally dress them down without his words becoming as stale as himself. It would be considered it’s own attack, too, rooting his target to the spot, stunned by the growing feeling of inferiority within themselves.
Finally, after spending the game throwing out insult after casual dismissal of their life’s efforts, Cranky obtains the power of the Final Smash. There are no fancy animations, no over-produced cutscenes, just an endless verbal tirade aimed at everyone on screen. Fighters are worn down, his words slowly eroding their spirit, until the only option they feel left open to them is to.. *ahem*… “Rage quit.”
Chosen by: Nick Ballantyne
First Appearance: Micro Maniacs (2000)
Final Smash: Who’s a Big Boy?
I’m not sure how many people will have played Micro Maniacs, but it was the closest racing games ever came to Smash Bros. You’d play as tiny crazy dudes (some might say maniacs on a microscopic scale), racing through charming levels to attain the right to become a supersoldier. Enter V4, the poster boy for the game whose half-man, half-engine anatomy sounded less functional than an Xbox One X on a warm day. However, his lovable smile and aerodynamic goggles make him perfect for the Smash roster. Hell, I’d keep him as a pet if I had the chance.
V4’s not one for timeless one-liners. He’s all about speed, speed, and maybe a bit of cocaine to help the fuel intake. Fox would look like Ganondorf compared to this guy, and his attacks would just involve running into people rather than bothering to punch them. I don’t remember him having much of an honour system, though, so I’m sure most of his attacks would revolve around Black Friday-ing people out of the way to get whatever item is nearby. Assuming the engine grafted into his spine still works, he could spew some lovely exhaust fumes around the place too, which is a bit classier than Wario’s cloud attacks.
Now, the problem here is that you’re playing this guy after he’s become full-sized, but who’s to say he couldn’t go bigger? Dr Minimizer wouldn’t be one for restraint, and having seen his successful lab rat become a real boy, he’d be more than willing to help him out with a final smash. Where once stood a five-foot speed-demon now stands a fifty-foot trucker nightmare, pounding into the ants below as he aimlessly runs between the background and the stage. Or, you know, he could turn into a Micro Machine, maybe?
Chosen by: Paddy Waring
First Appearance: Banjo-Kazooie (1998)
Final Smash: Ultimate Childhood Disappointment
Pretending for a brief, joyous moment that Banjo-Kazooie Nuts’N’Bolts doesn’t exist, it’s difficult to see Banjo as being anything other than a Nintendo character. The fact that he’s owned by Microsoft, and thus a 3rd party character, just makes this a double whammy for roster choice. Banjo and Kazooie are so cherished by fans that his original developers were willing to jeopardise their careers with Yooka-Laylee just for the chance of recapturing that nostalgia. There is no doubt in my mind that if he were announced as a new challenger, fans of his games would tear major cities apart in riotous celebration.
A bird-shaped egg launcher, increased run speed, gliding – there’s no end of uses that Kazooie brings to the table for this fat, stupid bear. Far from being a potentially top-tier pick, however, the duo could bring so much more to the game of Smash. Literally any of the locales present in their N64 games would make for excellent Smash stages. Jingos, Jiggies, Mumbo Jumbo, Gruntilda – any of these, and others, could be used as assist trophies, which is to say nothing of the potential items. Yessir, this is a pair that promises much and can follow through to boot.
It’s just a shame that their Final Smash would be to suddenly abandon the roster altogether, and become completely unplayable, carving a bird-and-bear shaped hole in your heart on their way out. It’s okay though, in their place you’ll be able to play… Krystal? Ugh.
Chosen by: Nick Ballantyne
First Appearance: Bomberman (1983)
Final Smash: Peace and Bombs
When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I played a lot of Bomberman with an old friend of mine. We would go to his place after school and try to outwit one another through exceptional bomb placement, predicting each other’s movements, with swift hand switching while holding icy poles. It’s a damn shame that Bomberman, the iconic little cube-headed go-getter that he is, wasn’t a guest star in any other games, left to fiddle with fuses alone in a self-constructed maze. No more, I say, because if Olethros belongs anywhere, it’s amongst a cast of characters that have faces just asking to be bombed.
To me, this guy is more than a little joke in an article; he’s a genuine contender for a spot in the Smash line-up. We’ve seen him on almost every Nintendo console since… Ever, with a legacy stretching back to the NES. His signature bauble-hat and comically spherical bombs have seared themselves into my memory like so many childhood blunders. He’s a more prominent character than Kid Icarus, more iconic than Ike, and I’m sure he’s got a heart of gold that just wants to watch the world burn.
With such an unassuming face, you just know Bomberman’s lust for destruction stems from a playful misinterpretation of the world. Think Pyro from TF2 but Japanese, and corrupted by Konami. The burning carcasses of enemies are pachinko machines, the screams of Pikachu are the bells of a pachinko machine, and the stench wrought from the flaming landscape is a like a smooth menthol-rich cigarette (not unlike the smell from a pachinko arcade!) Bomberman’s final smash is his utopia come to life. Bombs raining down from the heavens, nothing but fire and chaos left in their wake. Yet just as quickly as the madness began, the flames are swept away by conveniently G-rated winds, and Bomberman must keep fighting for his paradise all over again.
Well, either that or just, like, a really, really, really big bomb. That’d work too.
Chosen by: Paddy Waring
First Appearance: Soul Edge (1995)
Final Smash: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
Have you played Soulcalibur? If not, your life is a mess. Get around to it, and never pick anyone but Voldo. Voldo is… A real thing. Someone made this, like, in real life. For the lazy or uninformed (or both), Voldo is a BDSM nightmare-turned-fighting game character who probably should not be. With weapons too over the top for Tim Burton, and enough straps on his body to make Hennet Thurkear jealous, Voldo’s attacks largely consist of flailing suggestively and unnaturally against his opponents. It’s impossible to forget his most memorable quotes, such as, “HHHHUUUURGGGGGGNG-NNNHNHNGNHNGNHNGNHNGNHG.” Classic.
The unusually high jumps and fluid rolls that Voldo can pull off mean that his existing move set is relatively compatible with the fighting style of Smash Bros. I have to wonder whether or not people could stomach the general vibe he’s putting out. That said, while Voldo’s evocative movements may very well be seen as inappropriate for a game like Smash, I would remind you that Bayonetta has been added already, so all bets are off. We might just have to deal with the inevitable consequences of introducing another creepy fetishist into the ranks of Smash. Every time he gyrates, the rating goes up until the game is only legal in Canberra.
The only issue with Voldo would be his Final Smash, which is to say: How can someone like Voldo be even more over the top than he already is? There’d have to be some fourth-wall breaking. I mean, I can imagine someone like creature actor Doug Jones sneaking up on your real-life opponent to shred them on his spinning hand-glaive-thing, but I hear that guy’s very busy. Can we clone him? We should look into cloning Doug Jones for this.
Chosen by: Nick Ballantyne
First Appearance: DOOM (1993)
Final Smash: Berserk Jerk on the Lurk
You might be thinking that Doom Guy isn’t a great fit for Smash, but Solid Snake and Bayonetta snuck their fine asses in just… Fine. So let’s get that Praetor booty in here. That derrière has been to Mars, Hell, then back to Mars, and then BACK to Hell just because some dude woke him up on a Sunday. He’s got the guns, he’s got the attitude, and he’s got the sculpted cheeks of a grizzled ballet dancer. If you told him that the coffee machine was broken, there’s a good chance he’d turn around and crush your skull in-between those demonically symmetrical fanny cups that are bursting from his suit. Him and Wario would get on great.
Now, I’m sure you still think that the idea of Doom Guy, a guy that would literally bisect an Oxfam street fundraiser, is a bit ludicrous in a game like Smash. After all, the bright colours, non-lethality, and overall vibe of ‘fun’ don’t seem all that Doom-like, do they? Well, just remember that Nintendo made a Doom trailer that contained no violence, and it’s not like the rest of the roster are squeaky clean. Kirby eats people, Bowser’s a serial kidnapper, and Pikachu has crushed more kids’ dreams than Paddy ever could. There are already guns and explosives in Smash anyway, so yeah, Doom Guy’s in.
Now, there are a few possibilities for the final smash. The obvious one is the glory kill, but we just went over this, we’re dealing with a PG game here. How about a shot from the ol’ BFG? No, no, no, we already have enough final smashes that shoot something and then go away. When Doom Guy smashes that bubble, it morphs into a demonic skull: the Berserk power-up. Rip and Tear starts to play, Doom Guy howls a Howie Scream, and all hell breaks loose in the most literal sense. Well, assuming you’re in his way because Doom Guy’s greatest weapon isn’t his guns, it’s his rage. One punch suddenly goes from sending you couple feet to a couple continents away, so just hope there’s an imp in between you and that sweet nectarine rump.
