Well hello there, good-looking reader. Aren’t you looking gud today, and while we’re on the topic, lemme tell you about a running joke of mine (and show you how much I love parentheses).
It started a bit before PAXAus 2015. I don’t know exactly when it started, but it started hard; harder than my Static-X phase (rip in peace Wayne). Anyway, at some point, I started calling everyone I knew casuals because that was… I dunno. I was young and impressionable, obviously. Some people thought it was funny that I was slandering everyone in sight, whether it was their fiancé or cat, and other people didn’t like that my vocabulary had diminished into a single word. Guess who amongst them were the casuals.
Anyway, I was calling EVERYONE casuals by the time PAX came. You’d think someone as humble, professional, cultured, knowledgeable and stunningly good looking as myself (it’s not a tumour, ladies) could hold in the casual-slinging for 72 hours. Not one to disappoint, I managed to call the brand manager of Square Enix a filthy casual (accidentally), and don’t get me started on the indie devs. They loved it, thankfully, but not as much as the Wargaming guys. They LOVED hearing about how the T-34 was a casual’s ride (Leichttraktor lyfe).
My naming-and-shaming got a bit out of hand after that (implying it was ever in hand). Everywhere I went – and I mean EVERYWHERE – was the locale of casuals. Food? The gruel of a casual’s diet. Even writing the word casual was the fare of casuals, not because of the usage of the word, but the precise motions required to make the sparkly letters show up seemed too simple. Of course, as comes with the territory, I became the guy that told everyone to git gud. It worked(ish) right up until my computer died.
If you look hard enough, you can see its underwhelmingly neon casual aura.
Call them callous, call them casuals, call them incapable of sentience if you want, computers are simply incapable of gitting gud. When the time came for someone to review The Division, I was the guy in the GameCloud Team who was frothing at the mouth like a casual. I was the one whose computer had a casual nVidia card. I was the one who had written 4 pages of notes from 8 hours of gameplay, most of which consisted of crashes and glitches, all because my casual rig was part of a massive driver scandal. I got taken off the review (… Well, I suggested it, but it’s not quite as dramatic), stripped of my title (eeehhh also technically not correct since I’m still here) and watched as literally everyone loved the shit out of that game (also technically a lie, but lies are fun).
Since then, I’ve tried toning it down, but let’s be honest, you don’t just stop being better than everyone else. Sure, I became the lowest form of human scum imaginable (apart from, you know, actual human scum), but I knew that deep down, I could do better. I’m in the process of getting a less casual rig as we speak. The problem being that I’m still a filthy casual, so I have no money, but so help me, I will ascend back into the righteous plane of existence open solely to those worthy. I shall return to my rightful place amongst Gaben and the PCMR. I will git gud.
Oh, and I’ve been playing Battlefleet Gothic. It’s pretty good. Apart from the casuals (Eldar).
