Editor Note: while this review is satire, it accurately represents our overall thoughts on the game.
HELLO CALL OF DUTY FAN. I WILL TRY AND KEEP THIS SIMPLE FOR YOU. I KNOW YOU OFTEN STRUGGLE WITH READING. I HAVE MADE ALL THE LETTERS BIG SO YOU CAN READ THEM. I WON’T USE COMMAS BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. GG. THAT WAS A JOKE. JUST POINTING THAT OUT FOR YOU. I WILL NOW TELL YOU WHY I LIKED INFINITE WARFARE. THE CAMPAIGN WAS GREAT IN PLACES. THE MULTIPLAYER WAS THE SAME AS ALWAYS. ZOMBIES WAS ALSO THE SAME AS ALWAYS. I HAD FUN BUT RARELY SAW ANYTHING THAT CAPITALISED (THAT MEANS USED PROPERLY) ON THE SETTING. I AM GOING TO START A NEW PARAGRAPH NOW.
THAT’S RIGHT. DOWN HERE. THIS IS THE SECOND PARAGRAPH. I WILL NOW EXPLAIN WHAT CALL OF DUTY: INFINITE WARFARE IS FOR NOOBLETS WHO DO NOT KNOW. INFINITE WARFARE IS THE NEWEST ITERATION (THAT MEANS VERSION) OF THE CALL OF DUTY FRANCHISE. IT IS SET IN THE FUTURE. THE GAME FOLLOWS NICK REYES. NICK IS A MEMBER OF THE UNSA. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT STANDS FOR OR WHY I SHOULD CARE. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT THEY ARE THE GOOD GUYS. THIS IS GOOD BECAUSE YOU ARE WORKING FOR THEM. THE BAD GUYS ARE THE SETDEF (WHICH STANDS FOR SETTLEMENT DEFENCE FORCE). THEY ARE FROM MARS AND ARE DICKHEADS. I SAY THIS IN THE LEAST SUBTLE (THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF OBVIOUS) WAY POSSIBLE BECAUSE THE GAME IS AS OBVIOUS AS IT CAN BE.
I HOPE YOU’VE MANAGED TO FIND THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT DIRECTION. THE CAMPAIGN OF INFINITE WARFARE IS AS ON THE NOSE (THAT’S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN SOMETHING IS OBVIOUS) AS YOU THINK IT IS. I AM QUITE CERTAIN THAT I HAVE LOST MANY BRAIN CELLS THANKS TO IT. THE DIALOGUE (THAT’S THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY ARE ACTING) IS SO DRY AND DEADPAN THAT IT HURTS. IMAGINE A SHITTY WAR MOVIE THAT TAKES ITSELF TOO SERIOUSLY. NOW IMAGINE IF THAT MOVIE WAS A GAME BUT WITH WORSE WRITING. THAT IS WHAT THE CAMPAIGN IS. I LAUGHED AT MOST OF WHAT I HEARD BECAUSE OF HOW STUPID IT WAS. THERE ARE MOMENTS THAT REDEEM IT BUT ARE LOST IN THE SENTIMENT (THAT’S WHAT THE GAME TRIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL) OF ITS EXECUTION (NOT THE KILLING KIND).
THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAD WITH THE CAMPAIGN WAS THAT IT TRIED TO TAKE ITSELF SERIOUSLY. YOU FLY SPACESHIPS AROUND AND HAVE A ROBOT SIDEKICK THAT CRACKS GENUINELY FUNNY JOKES. IT FEELS DISINGENUOUS (THAT MEANS NOT GOOD) WHEN THE GAME TRIES TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT PLAYING A DUMB GAME WHERE I BLOW THINGS UP. I LIKED BLOWING THINGS UP. IT WAS FUN. I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED IF THE GAME STUCK TO BEING A B-MOVIE INSTEAD OF GETTING SERIOUS ON ME. IT WAS CLEAR THAT THE HIGH-END (THAT THING IS CALLED A HYPHEN) TALENT LIKE CLAUDIA BLACK AND KIT HARRINGTON WERE FORCED TO HOLD BACK. NOLAN NORTH PLAYS NICK REYES WITH A KIND OF DULL SOLEMNITY (THAT MEANS SADNESS) THAT IS ONLY RIVALLED BY A SAD CLOWN ORPHAN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. THIS WAS EMPHASISED (THAT MEANS BIGGENED) BY THE FACT THAT I WAS A ONE MAN ARMY.
NOTHING SAYS ‘CONSEQUENCES OF WAR’ LIKE A RECURRING CAST OF CHARACTERS THAT MURDERS THOUSANDS OF MEN AND WOMEN WITH EASE. HOW DOES CALL OF DUTY INTEND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY WHEN THE ENTIRE GAME CONSISTS OF ME BRINGING DOWN AN OVERLY EVIL EMPIRE WITH EASE? I’M PRETTY MUCH ONE PUNCH MAN WITH A GUN AND A CAN-DO ATTITUDE. THE PLOT FEELS LIKE MICHAEL BAY’S PEARL HARBOUR IN SPACE WITH EVEN LESS INTELLIGENT (THAT MEANS SMART) NARRATIVE (STORY) DEVELOPMENT (STUFF). THE WHOLE THING IS A MESS THAT BARELY WORKS AS THE GLUE TO HOLD THE MISSIONS TOGETHER. BUT THIS IS CALL OF DUTY. WHO CARES ABOUT THE PLOT? LET’S TALK ABOUT THE GAME.
THERE IS MUCH TO LIKE IN INFINITE WARFARE’S SINGLEPLAYER. THE DEVELOPERS HAVE TAKEN SPACE COMBAT AND RUN WITH IT UNTIL THEY REACHED ESCAPE VELOCITY. JETPACKS AND DOGFIGHTING ARE CORE TO THE GAME. THE AIR COMBAT IS WHERE I HAD THE MOST FUN. IT WAS A FAST AND CHAOTIC FESTIVAL OF FIGURING OUT WHERE ANYBODY WAS AND EXPLODING SPACEPLANES. THERE IS PLENTY OF STANDARD CALL OF DUTY CORRIDOR GUNNING AS WELL. JUST BECAUSE THE DEVELOPERS REACHED ESCAPE VELOCITY DOES NOT MEAN THEY WEREN’T AIMING FOR A BLACK HOLE.
ANYONE HOPING CALL OF DUTY WASN’T A COVER BASED SHOOTER MIGHT HAVE THE GAME MIXED UP WITH YO-KAI WATCH. THE GAME FALLS BACK ON WHAT IT KNOWS BEST AS IT GOES FURTHER ALONG. CORRIDORS BECOME LESS EXPANSIVE AND YOU BEGIN TO NOTICE JUST HOW CLUNKY THE GAME IS. MY GROUP ONCE STOPPED DEAD AND WAITED BECAUSE I DECIDED TO STAND STILL WHILE I GOT A GLASS OF WATER. AN EXPLOSION HAPPENED THE MOMENT I MOVED AGAIN AND PUSHED US ALL AROUND LIKE ANY GOOD ACTION MOVIE WOULD. THE CONCEPT OF SHOOTING STUFF IN SPACE IS NEVER REALISED TO ITS FULLEST POTENTIAL. THE GAME’S APPROACH TO THE CAMPAIGN MISSION STRUCTURE WAS A REFRESHING CHANGE FROM PREVIOUS GAMES.
THE CAMPAIGN LETS YOU PICK AND CHOOSE WHICH MISSION YOU UNDERTAKE (THAT MEANS DO) INSTEAD OF PLAYING THE GAME IN A LINEAR FASHION. THE IDEA IS THAT YOU CAN DO SIDE MISSIONS TO UNLOCK PERKS WHICH GIVE YOU BUFFS. THIS SYSTEM ALSO LETS YOU PLAY MORE OF THE AERIAL COMBAT. THE SIDE MISSIONS DID FEEL EXTREMELY SIMILAR BY THE THIRD TIME AROUND BECAUSE THEY ALL TOOK PLACE IN SIMILAR ENVIRONMENTS. I ONCE LAUGHED AS I NOTICED THAT I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS A PREVIOUS MISSION BUT DEFENDING INSTEAD OF ATTACKING. THE MISSIONS WERE STILL FUN EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ENTIRELY SUPERFLUOUS (THAT MEANS UNNECESSARY). I JUST WISH THE STORY WAS AS GOOD AS THE GAMEPLAY. I THOUGHT THE CAMPAIGN WAS UNDERWHELMING BUT ENJOYABLE OVERALL. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT SINGLEPLAYER. YOU PLAY CALL OF DUTY. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE ONLY PART OF THE GAME THAT MATTERS.
MULTIPLAYER HASN’T CHANGED. YOU WILL LIKE INFINITE WARFARE IF YOU LIKED ANY OF THE LAST SIX CALL OF DUTY GAMES. YOU CAN PLAY A VARIETY OF GAME MODES ONLINE IN BOTH A PUBLIC AND PRIVATE SETTING. YOU CAN CUSTOMISE YOUR LOADOUT BUT NEED TO UNLOCK THE WEAPONS AND UPGRADES TO USE THEM. THERE ARE MISSIONS THAT YOU CAN COMPLETE TO EARN EXPERIENCE FASTER AND GET THOSE WICKED SICK EMBLEMS. IT IS ANOTHER CALL OF DUTY WITH NEW MAPS THAT ARE THE SAME. THIS IS A PROBLEM.
NONE OF THE NEW MAPS ARE OUTSTANDING. WE ARE WORKING WITH SPACESHIPS AND ASTEROID FIELDS. THE MAPS DO NOT UTILISE 3D SPACE OR ANY OF THE SICK AIR-TO-AIR COMBAT THAT WAS IN THE CAMPAIGN. THEY WERE ALREADY UNDERUTILISED THERE. I WAS HOPING FOR A BIT MORE THAN ADVANCED WARFARE. THIS WAS TOO MUCH TO ASK. THE MAPS ON DISPLAY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE FROM MODERN WARFARE WITHOUT THE MEMORABILITY. THE CAMPAIGN ALLOWED US TO FLOAT AROUND IN SPACE BEFORE INVADING THE INTERIOR OF A SHIP. THIS IS NOT PRESENT IN MULTIPLAYER. I AM HUGELY DISAPPOINTED. THE ONLY NEW FEATURE I COULD FIND IS THE ADDITION OF COMBAT RIGS.
LOADOUTS ARE NOW DESIGNED WITH A RIG IN MIND. RIGS ARE LIKE CLASSES WITHOUT THE LIMITATIONS OF HAVING TO TAKE PARTICULAR WEAPONS. EACH RIG HAS A UNIQUE WEAPON THAT CAN BE EARNED THROUGHOUT A MATCH. RIGS ALSO GIVE BUFFS TO MOVEMENT SPEED OR HEALTH DEPENDING ON WHAT RIG YOU CHOOSE. THIS IS NOT A GAME CHANGER. MULTIPLAYER IS STILL A MATTER OF SEEING THE OTHER PERSON FIRST. THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO THE GAME THAN NOTICING SOMEONE FIRST. IT IS THE SAME OLD GAME WITH A DIFFERENT SKIN. IT WILL SATISFY YOUR ENDORPHIN RUSH. DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING REVOLUTIONARY (THAT MEANS DIFFERENT). MULTIPLAYER IS JUST MORE OF THE SAME. THIS WILL BE FINE FOR DIEHARDS OF THE SERIES BUT WON’T LEAVE THEM ECSTATIC (THAT MEANS HAPPY) EITHER. THIS IS ALSO TRUE OF ZOMBIES.
YOU WILL ENJOY ZOMBIES IN INFINITE WARFARE IF YOU LIKED IT IN PREVIOUS CALL OF DUTY GAMES. YOU STILL FIGHT ZOMBIES WHILE UNLOCKING AREAS OF THE MAP. YOU STILL BARRICADE ENTRY POINTS FOR CASH. YOU GAIN SUPERPOWER CARDS EVERY SO OFTEN. THE GAMEMODE IS EFFECTIVELY THE SAME AS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN. THERE ARE NO 3D MAPS OR GROUND BREAKING MECHANICS TO SHAKE THINGS UP. THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE ARCADE WHERE YOU CAN EARN A SELF-REVIVE BY PLAYING OLD ARCADE CABINETS. THAT’S IT. THE FORMULA IS AGEING BUT STILL PLAYS AS WELL AS EVER. THESE HAVE BEEN MY THOUGHTS ON THE GAME MODES. I AM PROUD OF YOU FOR GETTING THROUGH THIS MANY WORDS. NOW I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH MY FINAL GENERAL THOUGHTS.
THE GAME LOOKS DAMN GOOD. IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMIND OURSELVES THAT SPACE CAN LOOK AS GOOD AS IT DOES IN INFINITE WARFARE. I WAS STRUCK WITH AWE WHEN I WAS FLOATING AMONGST THE ASTEROIDS WAITING FOR SOME ENEMY SHIPS TO JUMP INTO PLUTO’S ORBIT. THE MAJESTY OF SPACE WAS ACCENTUATED (THAT MEANS FOCUSED) BY THE SCALE OF THE AREAS YOU CAN OCCASIONALLY (MORE LIKE RARELY) PLAY AROUND IN. THE STAND OUT EXAMPLE IS A MISSION WHERE I HAD TO SAVE SEVERAL ENGINEERS BY PICKING OFF ENEMIES ONE BY ONE WITHOUT BEING SEEN. THE AREA WAS BIG ENOUGH THAT I COULD APPROACH THE SITUATION FROM SEVERAL ANGLES. I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE MORE OF THIS BUT WAS LEFT EMPTY AND DISAPPOINTED.
FANS OF CALL OF DUTY WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE LATEST ITERATION IN THE SERIES. INFINITE WARFARE IS NOT A REVOLUTIONARY TITLE BUT A DEPENDABLE ONE. THE GAME STILL MANAGES TO DELIVER FUN MOMENTS IN ITS CAMPAIGN AS WELL AS THE CLASSIC MULTIPLAYER GAMEPLAY THAT IT IS KNOWN FOR. THE PROBLEM IS THAT IT BRINGS NOTHING UNIQUE TO THE TABLE. ZERO-G COMBAT AND DOGFIGHTING ARE BANISHED TO THE SINGLEPLAYER CAMPAIGN. THE GAME IS STILL AN ENJOYABLE ROMP WHILE IT LASTS. IT IS OKAY BUT SUFFERS FROM SQUANDERED POTENTIAL. THOSE WERE MY THOUGHTS. WELL DONE CALL OF DUTY FAN. I AM PROUD YOU MANAGED TO READ ALL THIS. GOOD JOB. HERE IS A PERK FOR YOU HARD EFFORTS! IT IS CALLED ‘WELL READ’. IT GIVES YOU A BONUS TO NOT CALLING ONLINE STRANGERS FA-… ah, well. I tried.
